Have you surrendered or are you still trying to control?

Surrendering to Gods will, what does that really mean? What does it look like to surrender? I’ve recently learned that I have always thought surrendering meant, giving up/quitting or I thought I was surrendering as long as things were going MY way. Now I never really actually said that and I’m not even sure that I had a conscious thought about it. However my actions tell me that’s how I have viewed surrendering.

I am learning what it actually means to surrender. It’s not easy stuff, there is no simple equation such as 2+2=4. It’s a process and is like an onion, it has layers. And as Donkey from Shrek said, we say onion instead of layer cake, why? Because everyone likes cake, not everyone likes onions. Surrendering aka letting go of control is a scary thing.

Now I’ve truly believed I have surrendered, again. Do we see a pattern? Lets take a look at how I have been handling Bailey. I pray scripture over him, I try my best not to think the worst. It’s been a trying 2 weeks. I’m not eating, I’m not sleeping, I’m constantly praying, I’m afraid to leave him alone. Every time I come home I run in and check to make sure he is still breathing. Nothing about my life says I’m surrendering. I’m living in fear. It’s horrible. I’m exhausted, physically and emotionally. I believed I had surrendered, just because I was praying. In all actuality, I was just trying to control God.

As James in the bible says, faith without good deeds is dead. I am constantly having to remind myself of this. My actions are not matching the words coming out of my mouth. My emotions are literally those of a roller coaster. It’s a constant battle to surrender. Except I’m the only one fighting. I give it only to take it back 2 minutes later.

So I was at my wits end, couldn’t sleep the other night, waking up every hour to check bailey to see if I could get him to drink and to make sure he was breathing. This is no way to live. So I woke up yesterday morning and called the vet to have him put down.

I had to carry bailey to the car, it was rough, my heart was breaking. I now changed my prayers to me, I prayed for strength, courage, and peace. I decided to stop fighting and surrender on a whole notha level.

We arrive at the vet. Have you ever seen Marley and me? If you haven’t, don’t. Worst movie ever. Baileys whole life is flashing before my eyes, I remember picking him up from the shelter in 2004. I started remembering all the happy moments we had and the moments of thinking, why did I get this dog?

The vets take us back in the room, they are all very familiar with Baileys case. I explain nothing has changed, he can no longer get up without me having to lift up his back end. He is still eating though. They examine him, they consult each other. They tell me it’s not time and they want to pump him full of fluids, double dose him on antibiotics and steroids and give him a shot to break his fever and see what happens in a week. They don’t feel like he is dying of old age. His fever indicates something is wrong, his back legs indicate something is wrong. However his blood work and x rays are good.

So I took my buddy home. He’s doing really really good, he started running today. Now the thing I am working on for myself is to not let my circumstances or emotions define if I’m having a “good” day. I’m working on surrendering. I know I have done everything to try to get bailey better. All I can do now is thank God for the time I’ve had with him and love on him. And most importantly, live my life. God does not want me neglecting my life and living in fear.

I’m not in control and the more I try to control the more out of control I become. Surrendering doesn’t mean you give up and quit. Surrendering to me means opening up my mind to other ideas and when things don’t go my way, i just roll with the punches and keep on living. True surrender is taking God out of the box, doing the best I can with what I have and then truly giving it to God and accepting the outcomes whatever they may be. It doesn’t mean my outcome will be my first choice but it is what it is and surrender starts with acceptance. I just need to do the footwork, be the best I can I be right now regardless of circumstances.

That’s what surrender means to me today, I don’t claim it to be easy, as you can see, it’s very hard for me. It’s a choice that I must make everyday. But I can tell you as hard as it may seem, when you finally decide to surrender and accept the situation regardless of how you feel, there is a freeing peace that comes with it.